After a couple of months of procrastinating, I decided to finally launch I actually wrote most of this particular blog post a couple of months ago, but due to different reasons I wasn’t able to publish it. So here it is! If you want to know more about me, then check out the about page.

I love goals and New Year’s resolutions. Starting a new year often feels like a clean slate and it makes me forget that I can start over at any given moment. This is especially the case with losing weight. I have been struggling with losing weight for the last 3,5 years and I really have to remind myself repeatedly that I can start over right now. I have the tendency to resolve to the what the hell-effect when I eat way too much. Instead of picking up the pieces I’m thinking “what the hell” and only starting over when a new week starts.

This year I don’t have new year’s resolutions, but instead I’m going to focus on one word. I came across the website OneWord365 and the name says it all: you choose one word to focus on for this year. You can sign up on the website and connect with other people from your ‘tribe’ a.k.a. the people who chose the same word as you. I really like this concept, because there’s no pressure to achieve a goal or to hold on to your resolutions. It also suits me, because I’m a contemplative person. I’m a thinker and it’s great when I can use one word to reflect on my life.

So the question is: what is my word for 2015? I didn’t have to think about this for a long time. Within seconds I knew what my word is going to be: TRUST. Since last Summer I have been feeling insecure about different areas in my life. It started with my church. The church population of the church I’m a member of consists mostly of people like me: white, young and highly educated. I also feel like social justice isn’t addressed and that church is way too comfortable and cosy. I really don’t know what to do with this. As a consequence I’m basically skipping church services. When I do go to church I’m sensitive to everything that’s being said. When I brought a friend with me to church who’s not a Christian I saw people looking at him and his tattoos and that bugged me.

I also feel more and more alone when it comes to some opinions I have. In the Netherlands there’s a lot of debate happening about racism. The debate heatened up two years ago and focuses especially on the figure of Black Pete (Zwarte Piet). I won’t go into the topic here, but you can read more about it here. I think it’s racist, whereas most Dutch people think otherwise. I also think that what is happening in Palestine is genocide and that “Blurred Lines” from Robin Thicke is sexist. Often I find it difficult to stand up for my opinions. The only people with whom I dare to discuss these topics with is my family. I think that my hesitance comes from the fact that I felt like an outsider at high school. I didn’t have any friends and I definitely didn’t belong. Because of my opinions I feel like I don’t belong and that feels awful.

These are just two of the subjects I’m thinking about a lot. I feel like I’m questioning a lot of things in my life. This is not a bad thing of course, but it doesn’t always feel nice to be in a kind of in-between-situation. I chose TRUST to be my word for 2015, because I want to trust that everything is going to be fine. I want to trust the process. Whatever choices I’ll make or not, I am enough and I’ll always will be.